Don’t know if you know this, but the NBA draft is coming up this Thursday and ESPN is kinda covering it.  Wait, they just released their ‘Mock Draft V.71’.  Updated from last hour, despite no trades, player workouts, or breaking news.  Wait, are you telling me the 4-letter is running a story into the ground?   No wayyyyy.  Yeah, actually, I see that.

Here at dbbsports, Eddie Shore has worked feverishly to sift thru all the bullshit.  Here’s a real mock draft.  30 picks, 2 sentences, brutally honest analysis about what each team needs and should do.

Or as Mike Wilbon might say—‘something stupid and trivial but still better than Kornheiser’.

1. LA Clippers
Dear Blake Griffin, good news:  LA has babes, money, and great weather.  Bad news:  your meaningful basketball career is officially over—signed Danny Manning.  Ohhh, right city, wrong uni.  So close.

2. Memphis Grizzlies
The 2 best known names in Memphis basketball history are Hubie Brown and Jerry West.  What does that tell you?  On the plus side, Eddie Shore never thought it’d be possible to make ‘the Vancouver years’ look like the ‘golden age’ of a franchise.

3.  Okie City Thunder
A lot of experts think Ricky Rubio could be available and would be a great fit here.  Those experts get ‘paid’ to care about what the Thunder does.  Luckily the rest of us can ignore them for free.

4. Sactown Kings
I got 2 words that would make every male in America care about the kings:  Vegas relocation.  Until then, yawn.

5.  Wizards
The Wiz have not been the same team since Agent Zero’s multiple knee operations.  With him, their playoff failures had flair. Now they’re just mundane. They need some fresh blood to underperform with.

6.  T-Wolves
I think they should definitely Stephen Curry.  The last Steph (Starbury) they had worked wonders for team chemistry. Or not.

7.  Warriors
Best uniform in the league—if this was the MLS.  I’m not saying Eddie Shore doesn’t really follow the Warriors, but I still think Baron Davis has some gas left.  Wait, he what?

8.  NY Knicks
Did you realize that the most successful team in the Garden is the Liberty?  If you did, turn in your man card.  The Knicks need to remember their heyday, and try to find the next Patrick Ewing.  You know, a big guy who doesn’t like to bang inside.

9.  Toronto Raptors
How do you say, ‘no one cares’ in metric.  Toronto will never win until it follows the lead of the Might Ducks.  When you’re named after a movie reference, you have to shorten your name.  Meet your 2009 Toronto Rappers.

10.  Bucks
Minus a healthy Michael Redd, the Bucks are only a PG, shooting guard, center, power forward, and small forward away from contending.  Sweet.

11.  NJ Nets
Rumor is the Nets are going to change their player personnel decisions and draft players that actually try hard every game and don’t kill chauffeurs.  We’ll see if it catches on and the league copies this blueprint.

12.  Bobcats
Like the rest of the league, I’m anxiously awaiting to see who Michael Jordan blows the pick on this year.  Does Charlotte even have a franchise?  Have they ever been on TV?

13.  Indy Pacers
Larry Bird is so freaken consistent.  As a player, he was consistently awesome.  As a front office slap, he’s kept Indy consistently mediocre. That is not easy to do in the salary cap era.

14.  PHX Suns
Team chemistry is the name of the game in Phoenix.  If you don’t believe in team chemistry—this is the place for you to play.  Shactus wants out, Amare thinks he will be out, and Nash spends his summer in NYC.  Ahh, harmony.

15.  Detroit Stones
The Pistons have worked hard to get under the cap for the big run of free agents next summer. Because who wouldn’t want to go to Detroit?  Even for more money? Sorry, Motown.

16.  Bulls
The Bulls are still struggling to get anywhere post Jordan.  Luckily the Cubs keep choking so no one is really paying attention.

17.  Sixers
Paging Elton Brand. Last summer seemed to work out so well, I’m sure Sixer fans are anxious to see what the chise will crap out on this summer.

18.  T-Wolves part II
Seriously, the Celtics have to be kicking themselves that Frank-McHale-enstein is no longer there. With another pick by Minny, Boston could have totally reloaded.

19.  Hawks
The Hawks are like that one buddy you have who seems smart, but is always broke.  You expect them to eventually do well, but kinda know they won’t.  Who will they pick?  Somebody who doesn’t know how to win would be a safe bet.

20.  Jazz
Easiest pick to project.  Big surprise, but Utah will undoubtedly bring in a dorky white guy to follow in the lineage of: Eaton, Ostertag, Malone, Harpring, and Stockton.  Yeah, Malone.

21.  Hornets
Did you know the Hornet Logo is dribbling a basketball?  What does this have to do with their pick?  It’s more interesting.

22.  Cubes’ Mavs
Eddie Shore’s favorite owner is on the clock, and Eddie Shore wonders who he will take.  I hope it’s not a point guard.  I still feel like I have years left in the tank of enjoyment watching Jason Kidd get schooled for being slow.

23.  Kings again
Still don’t care til they relocate to Vegas.  Come on, the Maloofs own a casino and a beer distributorship.  Think about the promotions they could have.

24.  Blazers
The best team to never win it when they were good need just one more piece of the puzzle to put them over the top:  consistency.  Oh, and Happy 41st Mr. Oden.

25.  Thunder (again?)
Hmmm, nope. Still don’t care.

26.  Bulls (the sequel)
What Chicago should do here is draft Rex Grossman.  That way, at least they’ll have someone to blame their inevitable playoff failure on.

27.  Memphis (2nd time)
This late in the round teams usually draft talent over need.  Luckily Memphis needs a shitload of talent.

28.  T-Wolves for the freaken 3rd time
Honestly, don’t you kinda wish a good team had this many picks?

29.  Kobe’s Lakers
The Lakers say they are looking for someone that moves well without the ball.  That’s an important trait when playing with Kobe.

30.  Lebron’s last year as a Cav
Big pick for Cleveland.  Whoever comes in will only have one year to gel with Lebron before Cleveland becomes Minnesota south.

Got any thoughts, ping me at eddieshore@dbbsports.com.  All Jordan can’t draft heckles welcome.